I’d describe myself as a very independent person, and yet I can barely get through the day without connecting to the women in my life. My WhatsApp chats are alive with activity from the second I wake up. I have groups for school mums, school friends, uni friends, new friends, old friends and many more besides. I simply can’t get enough of my girlfriends.
As a mother to two brilliant sons, Art [nine] and Valentine [seven], there’s a lot of testosterone in my house and craving female energy goes hand in hand with my morning coffee. I’ve collected female friendships my whole life and, after a grief-stricken childhood in which I lost my mother when I was six, I would say my friends are the reason my head is on my shoulders and my feet are on the ground. I believe there are few things more powerful than female friendship.
"Louise knows all of my secrets"
While the term ‘one of my best friends’ applies to many people I’m close to, I do have one standout woman who truly is my ‘sister from another mister’ – Louise. When I was 20, I lived in Liverpool with a bunch of lads and Louise used to visit, as she’d been at school with some of them. We hit it off immediately and have been besties ever since, going on to share a flat in London. Then, 16 years ago, we both had the chance to move away.
I went to California and Louise went to Australia with her now husband, where she still lives. Our friendship, however, didn’t go anywhere. Louise is the person who knows all of my secrets.
Dawn and her best friend Louise at Glastonbury together.
I can open my heart to her and never feel embarrassment or shame. She receives me with zero judgement, only love, and I do the same for her. It’s a friendship built on trust – and a lot of all-night benders, exposing the deepest corners of our souls. We laugh until we wet ourselves and have a dictionary of in-jokes and a code of understanding that no one around us could decipher. Louise is my ride or die. I’d fly to Australia to zip up her dress if she asked me to.
I grew up in Guernsey, a tiny island just off France. It sits alongside the even tinier island of Alderney, which I now take my kids to every year for the dreamiest of beach holidays. This summer, I had dinner there with one of my oldest friends, Laura, who I started school with, aged three. We were at each other’s weddings and Laura came to my 40th birthday in Margate, but, to me, she’s exactly the same now as she was at 14 (when I used to get her into trouble by throwing notes at her in science classes), only with the addition of four daughters and a husband. The way we talk to each other, laugh and chat is just the same as it was when we were at school, and I love being in her company. Many of my Guernsey friends still see each other often, so they don’t get the thrill of re-entering their old lives as I do whenever I visit.
"We'd sign notes with ‘Friends For Ever’"
I’m often asked if my Guernsey friendships have changed, or if people see me differently since I’ve become well-known. I can honestly say that if anyone does see me differently, they don’t act that way. Whenever I go back, we chat away as though no time has passed at all. The only difference is the occasional, "No, you can’t have another ice cream," to one of our small people.
In many ways, my Guernsey friendships are the most important, because they keep me connected to a time and a place I never want to forget. These friends aren’t the ones I burden with my problems or go to in a crisis; they’re a gateway to reminiscing about my entire life – and I wouldn’t want it any other way. We used to sign all the notes we passed between each other with ‘Friends For Ever’, and it’s the most gorgeous thing to know we could tell our 14-year-old selves we kept that promise.
Dawn and her husband, actor Chris O’Dowd.
Adulthood has also been incredibly fruitful for friendships. The nature of my job means I’ve moved countries a few times and lived in LA for 16 years with my husband, Chris O’Dowd, which is where we had our children. We moved back to London after the pandemic, as lockdown made us think carefully about where we wanted to be – and closer to family always wins.
"Caroline Flack was my funniest friend"
Through all the jobs, moves and even tragedy, a whole array of fabulous women have entered my life, all of whom I’ve fallen madly in love with, wondering how I ever survived a day before we were friends. Most recently, some of my greatest friendships have come from the loss of Caroline Flack, who took her own life in 2020. She was my funniest friend; we hit it off right away when I was invited on to I’m A Celebrity... Get Me Out Of Here! Now!,the spin-off show that Caroline hosted.
Caroline always described TV producer Anna Blue as her best friend, although she, like me, had many. I’d met Anna in passing, but it was only after Caroline’s death that we properly connected. I’ve been introduced to a heap of brilliant women who have become new friends as we bonded over our shared love for Caroline.
Anna and I co-produce Flackstock together, a festival that we created with family and friends, including TV presenter Natalie Pinkham, in Caroline’s honour. It’s the biggest celebration of love and friendship you can imagine, and Anna and I are side by side throughout the day. Ours is one of those friendships that feels so close to actual sisterhood, I wonder if we could be related. Having come together off the back of grief, we skipped much of the ‘get to know you’ process. We were bursting with love and gratitude that, as the terrible storm passed, a few people were left to cling to. Anna is someone I cling to and I like to think she feels the same about me.
From left to right: Gemma Cairney, Caroline Flack and Dawn when they first met in Australia.
There’s nothing more thrilling than a new person entering your life with a bang and offering you something different. At the same time, the warm hug of someone who knows your past and needs no explanations, just the glorious sharing of memories in familiar haunts, is equally wonderful. Both give me joy and are why I’ve chosen to write about female friendship for most of my writing career.
"Friendships can be as important as romantic relationships"
I remember my brilliant book editor Emily Kent sending me a copy of the words that were going to be printed on the back of my first novel, Paper Aeroplanes. They ended with ‘the heart-stopping power of female friendship’, which rang through my body. Friendship being given the same gravitas as a love story made sense to me, because one of the joys of making friends is that you get to fall in love over and over again. Friendships undulate throughout life. Different friends get you through different things. You may have a problem that you know only a certain person will understand. Or maybe you’re away from home or working in a job where your social life is limited, and, just like that, you make a friend who gets you through it. And when it’s done, you remain close, but that person separates a little and makes room for someone else.
Friendships can be as important as romantic relationships, because they come with you when you need them but sit back when you don’t. They let you breathe. Of course, every now and then there’s one that doesn’t work. It gets in the way or causes you pain. So you let it go, but you stride on and pick up another one to take its place.
Being a good friend fulfils me, too. Nothing gives me more pleasure than sorting a mate’s head out on WhatsApp while cooking my kids’ dinner, working, feeding the cats and doing my eye makeup – all without letting anyone down. Women are brilliant. I can’t wait to be friends with more, as, in my mind, you can’t have too many. When women come together, we can change the world.
Honey Bee (HarperCollins) by Dawn O’Porter is out 26 September.